In 2010, Melanie Stefan published an article in Nature titled “A CV of Failures,” which gained widespread attention when Princeton professor Johannes Haushofer shared his own “CV of failures.” Many of us can compile a resume of friendship failures: friends lost, friends who ghosted us, or friends who betrayed our trust. Through these failures, some have learned to navigate life without deep friendships, finding it safer not to trust. Others have had enough success to continue valuing friendship, while some may find the notion of friendship love alien or trivial. However, the devaluation of friendship is not how it has always been.
Jesus gave His disciples a new commandment on the night before His crucifixion: “Love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another” (John 13:34-35). This commandment was new because it was anchored in what Jesus was about to do—lay down His life for His friends. This love was to be the hallmark of discipleship. Jesus used the Greek word for “friend” (*philos) to describe His own relationships, calling His disciples “my friends” and being criticized as “a friend of tax collectors and sinners.” This term was often used to describe connections between peers but could also describe hierarchical relationships, such as the patron-client relationships common in Greco-Roman society.
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”
John 15:12–13
Jesus’ sacrificial love radically redefined friendship. He, the rightful master, laid down His life for those who should have been His servants. This revolutionary act calls us to form friendships based on sacrificial love, even with those unlike us. Christian friendship is a vehicle for the gospel, not just because we speak gospel truth to one another but because it is cross-shaped—formed for life laid down in love for others, just as Jesus laid down His life for us.
“You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.”
John 15:14–15
In the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus chose Peter, James, and John to watch with Him while He prayed. They fell asleep, and Judas, who had spent much time with Jesus, betrayed Him with a kiss. This act of false friendship serves as a warning. But Jesus’ response to Peter’s denial shows the power of forgiveness. After His resurrection, Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved Him, mirroring Peter’s three denials. Instead of condemning Peter, Jesus entrusted him with the care of His followers.
Jesus’ sacrificial love for His friends sets the standard for Christian friendship. It is a love prepared to die for one’s friends, to live vulnerably even towards those who may betray us, and to forgive those who let us down. This love is not easy, but it is the hallmark of discipleship.